Showing Self-Compassion to Your Inner Anti-Hero
One fun fact about me is that I am a huge Taylor Swift fan, and have been for years. Ever since I was in Middle School, Taylor has managed to express emotions in a way that gave my own feelings a voice (even if I was not in the same circumstance that she was while writing). On her most recent album, Midnights, there is a song called Anti-Hero that I resonate with deeply. It’s a song about insecurities, both self-projected and influenced by others. In case you are living under a rock and have not heard the song, the chorus goes like this:
“It’s me, hi
I’m the problem, it’s me
At tea time, everybody agrees
I’ll stare directly at the sun, but never in the mirror
It must be exhausting always rooting for the anti-hero”— ANTI-HERO, MIDNIGHTS, TAYLOR SWIFT
There is a reason why this song is so popular amongst millions of people. I think that most, if not all of us, have felt like the anti-hero of our own stories, at least at some point in our lives. Living life through the lens of constantly feeling like this, can be so draining. For me, doing so has looked like isolating myself from people and spending many of my own “midnights” awake and overanalyzing my own insecurities.
Once while processing my own experiences with this, my therapist introduced me to the concept of intentional self-compassion, as a way to guide me toward working on not living like I am the anti-hero all the time. It’s pretty self-explanatory, but basically, intentional self-compassion is the act of reframing our thinking patterns to learn to give ourselves appropriate levels of grace. If you are interested in a mindful workbook of practical ways to reframe your thinking in this way, check this out: https://amzn.to/3H3J2wc.
This world often tells us that we are not enough, that we constantly need to look better, eat better, exercise better, act better, be better, etc…But that is the exact opposite of what God, who created us, tells us. Throughout the Bible, God’s word clearly spells out His deep love for us, which cannot be earned, but has simply been given as a gift (example: “But the kindness and love of God our Savior appeared. He saved us. It wasn’t because of the good things we had done. It was because of his mercy” Titus 3:4-5a NIRV). As much as a lot of us logically know this to be true, it can be really hard to get the emotional part of ourselves to truly grasp the idea that while growth and healing are healthy parts of our journey, we are deeply loved just as we are, in each step of our journey.
So, here are some steps to help you work toward self-compassion (influenced by my personal experiences as well as what I learned while working through the above linked workbook, The Mindful Self-Compassion Workbook: A Proven Way to Accept Yourself, Build Inner Strength, and Thrive, by Kristin Neff and Christopher Germer):
Acknowledge your feelings, and let yourself feel them (Mindfulness) — Your feelings are real, they are there for a reason, ignoring them does not make them go away, it actually often makes them stay longer since you aren’t actually processing through them.
Stop holding yourself to an unrealistic standard of perfection (Common Humanity) — Yes, you are human. Yes, you will make mistakes, you will be wrong, and you will say and do stupid things sometimes. Let yourself learn through and from those moments, own them, apologize when necessary, and move on. There is no point in staying stuck there.
Be kind to yourself (Self-Kindness)— If a close friend made the same mistake or had the same flaw that you are struggling with, would you truly be as hard on them as you are being on yourself? Why not? …Because it is not helpful. Are the mean messages you are giving yourself really what you need in this moment? Why not let yourself heal by giving yourself the same level of grace and kindness that you would a friend?
From my own Christian perspective, I believe that Jesus knew what He was doing when He came to save us. He loved us so much despite our messes, that He died to save us from them. Maybe it’s time we all learn to give ourselves more grace, and stop trying to look, act, and be impossibly perfect in this incredibly imperfect world. Is it healthy to want to grow and heal? Yes. But not if the standards we set are completely unrealistic. I constantly need to remind myself that God’s perfect goodness is powerful enough to fill in the gaps of my imperfections when I let Him.
I hope these steps will help you navigate giving yourselves more appropriate levels of grace and space to work toward growth and healing in healthy ways. Giving ourselves more self-compassion will enable us all to spend less time working toward achieving impossible worldly standards, and more time owning the calling God has on our lives (while trusting Him to fill in the gaps where we fall short). Thanks for reading!
