That's Not Jesus, That's Just You
I recently have been reading books like Becoming Free Indeed by Jinger Duggar Vuolo, and watching documentaries like Shiny Happy People on Amazon Prime, in which people are beginning to publicly open up about the stories of spiritual abuse that they have endured within the American Evangelical Christian Church world. I am moved by their stories and their bravery.
Spiritual abuse is when people justify hurtful, manipulative actions using religion. In church, there is often a spoken and unspoken rule, that if victims of church hurt and abuse speak out about it, they will be accountable to God for driving people away from Him. But that is not the truth. Victims of any form of abuse are not the problem. Jesus is not the problem. The problem is the secrecy and abuse of power that often occurs behind the scenes within many churches at the hands of people who abuse the name of Jesus by declaring lies that are not from Jesus at all, as truths in His name.
I am very grateful to have grown up in an environment in which I was encouraged to balance Christianity, and in which the priority was not legalistic views, but living out of God’s love and having a deep relationship with Him. This foundation, and knowing the true, loving, good character of Jesus, helped me to eventually get out of the unhealthy and spiritually abusive situation I found myself in later in life.
Churches can be healthy. Churches can be a safe space. I have made great friendships and even met my husband at church. However, I have also been exposed to a darker side of Christianity and the behind-the-scenes abuse that also exists, at the hands of some leaders who abuse the name of Jesus to drive their own personal agenda.
Now please hear me before reading any further, I am a Christian, I love Jesus. I value healthy church community. I know that no church is perfect, because they are all attended and run by imperfect people (which is why we need Jesus and His love and grace in our lives).
It has been really important for me, to separate the actions of imperfect people in church, from my true understanding of who Jesus is to me. It’s taken some time, but I have begun to find my voice.
Here is my message to facilitators of toxic church environments, based on what I personally have experienced and witnessed:
To the church leaders and goers out there who tell women that their voices and presence matter less than men, that’s not Jesus; that’s just you.
To the church leaders out there who count how much money people give, and condemn certain people for not giving enough, that’s not Jesus; that’s just you.
To the church leaders and goers out there who abuse their power to get what they want at the expense of others, that’s not Jesus; that’s just you.
To the church leaders and goers out there who claim that those struggling with mental health must not be praying enough, that’s not Jesus; that’s just you.
To the church leaders out there who tell others that forgiveness means moving on without any sense of accountability for hurtful actions, that’s not Jesus; that’s just you.
To the church leaders and goers out there who oversexualize women’s bodies and clothing and make them feel deep shame and humiliation in a church setting, rather than the deep love of Jesus, that’s not Jesus; that’s just you.
To the church leaders and goers who, time and time again, spread messages and live in such a way that makes others feel unwelcome, unaccepted, and unloved as they are, that’s not Jesus; that’s just you.
Healthy accountability in a church community is beneficial. But when the motive in holding each other accountable is judgment, power, and not love, that’s when things get really messy and harmful.
If you have experienced church hurt and spiritual abuse, first of all, I am really sorry that happened. Second of all, I hope that you will consider letting God reveal His true, unconditional love to your heart so that you can see Him for who He really is. God doesn’t make these hurtful things happen, but He can help us find the strength to create good out of them by advocating for ourselves and others to break these toxic patterns, and by getting help for ourselves through seeking therapy and pursuing healthy community. Your experiences matter and are valid, and you matter. Don’t ever confuse the toxic lies of others for God’s loving and graceful truth. Don’t give those lies more power than the loving truths that God has for you.
“At one time, you were in the dark. But now you are in the light because of what the Lord has done. Live like children of the light. The light produces what is completely good, right and true. Find out what pleases the Lord. Have nothing to do with the acts of darkness. They don’t produce anything good. Show what they are really like.”
- Ephesians 5:8-11 NIRV
